I'm sorry, Tallon, for what you have endured, and that at such an early age.
I was a bit older when I had my "nervous collapse," as I described it to Nathan Knorr, while I reluctantly prepared to leave Bethel (which I truly did love). Horrors from childhood may have become a time bomb finally set off when the pressures of being a Bethelite/missionary became too great.
What Simon wrote applies in my family's case re: what we used to call manic-depressive disease. My religion became my comfort, my despair, and, through my adult life, seemed only to take me further into a downward spiral. Suicide was an ever-present menace and my family suffered as a result of my increasing mental and emotional instability.
I'm so much better now but making amends has not brought everyone back into my corner.
You're correct, too, about fear and obligation and guilt, whether you said it or intimated it in your post. I really hope that you are doing better now. Isn't this a wonderful place to be?
Thanks, Simon and Angharad!